A woman, A Van, and a Grocery List!

So, I've put off getting smokes and dog food for the month because let's face it, the only place I can get this crap is in the city and I hate to drive in the city.  But, alas, I go.

I have to go to the berg to cash some small checks I had, so I decide I'll go to the city after that.  Means I have to take a different route, but I'm good with that.

I'm driving down the highway going over the list in my head, and I miss my turn.  Holy crap... this means I have to drive over "THE DAM".  Now, you new folks here do not know this, but I have an ungodly fear of water, dams, bridges and heights.  This is going to get ugly real fast.

So, there I am, following a truck across the dam.  I'm white knuckling the steering wheel as we go screaming over it at a whooping 45 miles an hour!  I know right!  If it wasn't for that small detail, I would hit the turbo booster and fly across this more than mile long dam, in a heartbeat.  Nope, we are chugging along at 45 mph.

I look to the left and see, STRAIGHT FRACKING DOWN, and I look to the right and see FRACKING WATER.  There I am, almost in tears screaming.. PLEASE DON'T HAVE AN EARTHQUAKE,, PLEASE DON'T HAVE AN EARTHQUAKE... PLEASE DON'T HAVE AN EARTHQUAKE!  oh shut up, it's built on a damn fault line, I have reason for concern.

AnywhoI'mcrappingmypants.. it's about that time the truck in front of me decides to take the scenic route.  That's right folks, he heads straight for the guard rail on the water side.  This is not like he's drifting over there, it's like he took a hard right turn.  Gravel is flying as he hits the one foot patch of gravel between the pavement and the guard rail and he starts fighting the wheel.  Gravel is flying, fiberglass is flying, and I'm pretty sure a trucker turd hit my windshield!

Now, a normal person would be thinking, Oh God man, get it under control, please don't die,, please don't die.  I AM NOT NORMAL.. I'm behind him and I'm screaming, TAKE IT THROUGH THE GUARD RAIL DUDE.. Take it through the guard rail, it's just freaking water!

I'm pleading with God to please, let him go through the guard rail if he's going to pile that sucker up, cause all I can think of is he's going to yank it back and roll it right there in front of me.... AND BLOCK BOTH LANES,, therefore trapping me on this god forsaken dam IN THE MIDDLE OF AN EARTHQUAKE!

Happy to report, he got it under control and we continue across the dam without an earthquake.. damn, that was a close call right there..

So, I hit the smoke shop and then head for the pet store.  Now, I'm starting to get the hang of driving in that city so I decide to take the street I know will get there, without going all the way around.  um,, I kinda get lost.. Not a lot lost, I see Sears,, I'm close, I just can't find the exact turn I want.  That's when I see it, the gas station I ALWAYS drive by just before I turn to Petco.. AND WHAT DO I DO.. I get in the turning lane, and go to the gas station..WTF?  I was already on the street that would take me right to Petco's parking lot.. FRACK IT AGAIN!

So, whip a cookie, hit Petco and head for the dollar tree.. and that's when it happened.. I take a wrong turn and I drive ,, right in to... the fracking turny spinny go around and around thing.  You know, the thing that screws up a perfectly good four way!  Yea that thing, and now, I'm stuck,, I go around and around and around  until some poor little ole lady showed mercy on me and let me get off at my exit...FRACK IT..

Oh stop your damn laughing, I once got stuck going around in a circle in Burwell , Nebraska population 10 , in a fog.  Not only that, but my daughter and my best friend were hanging out the windows screaming, GET OUT OF OUR WAY, WE'RE GOING TO A FUNERAL! as they waved the flowers we had bought.  So, this is really not a new thing for me!

Dollar tree and home.  I'm smart, I remember the whole dam and the whole earthquake and all that, so I head East out of town..  Go ahead earthquake, I'm headed out of town at 60 mph and it's all uphill.  I can out run the flood.  And that's when it happened..

A damn semi pulls out in front of both lanes of traffic.  Not only does he pull out, he pulls out, stops and blocks both turn offs and both lanes!  Cars were screeching and sliding around like NASCAR drivers on the straight away at the Kansas Speedway when  Juan Pablo Montoya  has a brain fart!  We all got stopped, no one dies, but we are sitting about five wide on a two lane highway.

This is kinda like one of those times when you don't want to look, you want to move on, but you just can't.  That's right, we all sat there because we were totally wanting to know how this truck, who was now facing East to get on the West lane, was going to handle it.

It was well worth the wait.  He sits there until the light, two blocks away, turns green and then he makes his move.  He pulls out and blocks both their lanes, plus both exits, and starts wiggling that rig around, to get it headed West.  NOW we know what OUR faces looked like a few moments earlier.

So, I made it home, I changed my drawers, I had a drink, and I'm saying.. FRACK IT FRIDAY


  1. omg.....a trucker turd hitting your window. I couldn't stop laughing after that point. What a fracking hilarious day. Sorry, but I so wish I would have been with you guys when you were stuck going around the "roundabout" in your small, small, city.

    1. Hey, it's not funny. Do you know how much gas cost and how much I wasted going around on that damn thing. It was a perfectly good four way for over 40 years. Now, it's a kiss my arse merry go round, you can't get off of!

  2. It's crazier here than it is at the compound!