A blast from Past Holidays, with a disclaimer

Enough of the dreary weary from earlier today.  I always try to grab my bootstraps and yank myself up from this crap.. so.. to do that.. I'm going to double post.

Since it's that time of year when we all want to buy that perfect Christmas gift.  The one we just know the person needs and wants.  My daughter, the Major, is great about listening to conversations, and picking up on the one thing that person wants.   So, a few years ago she bought me an electric razor.  Here's the story that followed.. hope you enjoy it.  It's one of my favorite.. blasts from the past.. and remember.. I never have denied, I am the Queen.. so put my name where you see THE QUEEN.. or QUEENIE.. 



If you follow my tweets and my facebook, you know that I commented that I hadn't shaved my legs for a while.. being a widow and all.. what the hell is the reason to waste time..

Well, Princess K must have gotten a little grossed out over that concept because she got her old Mom an Electric Razor for Christmas.



When I first opened it I really didn't see her good intentions behind it.  The first thing I saw was an electrical cord and a sign that says..CAN USE IN SHOWER..

I WAS ASSUMING SHE REALIZED I GOT A LIFE INSURANCE POLICY AND NAMED HER AS THE HEIR!


but, no.. after further investigation I realized it can be recharged and used in the shower.. Ok.. I can deal with that.. too cool..

read on...

THAT'S RIGHT FOLKS.. the Queen is one that has to know just how shit works. What all the attachments are for and how to use them... and that is when I discovered...

IT HAS A PUSSY SHAVER!

What the hell do I need with a PUSSY SHAVER?  No one is gonna see that area!  Hell , I"m so damn fat, I can't see that area!

Listen folks,, I am never gonna look like I did when I was 30.  It just isn't gonna happen.  I'm over the hill.. coasting to the bottom, where I plan on landing in a jar... all smashed up and squishy.. but full of memories..

This is just never gonna be the queen again..

THIS IS THE QUEEN... PLAIN AND SIMPLE  

and I am telling you.. I'm not gonna attempt to shave that area... I can't see that area... I'm not even sure that area is still there in my old age... and WTF do I need with something that will shave that area.

We all know how accident prone I am.  I can just see it now... the paramedics are called to the castle because the Queen tried to use the pussy shaver.  She now has it tangled up in crotch hairs and is running through the house with the damn razor attached down there.

The paramedics chase her trying to calm her as she screams in fear, knowing this electric PUSSY SHAVER.. is gonna kill her.

Paramedic one blocks the exit to the kitchen while Paramedic two approaches the crazy queen with the big needle of "This will make it all better honey".

Unknown to the paramedics, the only thing that scares the Queen more than the electric razor that is chomping away at her crotch, is the damn needle he is holding.

She bolts for the basement, taking out the first paramedic with a left hook.  She hurdles the second paramedic but misses the landing..  She tumbles 20 feet to the basement where she bounces off the concrete wall onto the concrete floor.

Having subjected herself to years of head injuries, she can not  handle yet another head injury.

THE STORY READ:

Queen dies from fall while running with PUSSY SHAVER!  Paramedics charged with disorderly conduct when police find them at the bottom of the stairs, laughing hysterically over the brain dead body of the Queen!

SEE, PUSSY SHAVERS ARE EVIL!  It would ruin the lives of two perfectly fine paramedics, and leave your Queen a brain dead, drooling body..
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With a neatly shaved pussy...

So I'll pass!


DISCLAIMER:  The ending result of this wonderful gift, may or may not be the same as your family member or friend's experience.  Normal people may or may not be able to handle an electric razor with the attachment mentioned above.  I in no way want to encourage anyone to avoid or boycott the above mentioned product.